Reflections for the New Year

I began writing this to some friends I once felt very close to. My original intent was to mend old and broken relations with this group, but quickly found a more serving purpose. To explain, these relationships seemed to wither and die without explanation. It now feels to me like one day these people were all around me expressing love and compassion, and the next they were gone! Poof! Like an evil curse was cast upon me.

When these relationships went sour I was in a lot of emotional pain. I felt like my entire world was crashing down around me. A long time afterward I was depressed because I missed the people who once made me feel happy and accepted. I also felt like I did something terribly wrong, but no one would tell me what. No one would help me understand what has happened despite my numerous attempts to make amends.

Oh! In addition to all this, I was pregnant with my second child. I am certain that the hormones of being pregnant didn't help my situation, but instead of sticking with me, my "friends" turned away from me. I never got the support I needed from these people who I valued in my life. It was really a sad time for me. They missed my entire pregnancy and now they have missed all the other cool things that come with having a new baby. My son is nearly 11 months old and there is so much more they will miss.

Anyway, every New Year's Eve I take time to reflect on the things in my life I would like to "do over". The purpose is to identify the things I know I did wrong and to not make the same mistakes again. Yes, of course, losing these relationships is one of those things I wish I could do over. In taking this depressing reflection I also learned that there is a lesson all of this pain and separation. This lesson is something I wanted to share with all of you. This experience is for anyone who has experience the loss of important friends and relationships.

I hope you can read this and find some value in it for your own health and new beginnings. Happy New Year!

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When I needed you the most;

When you saw the tears in my eyes, you turned away from me.



When I cried out, you ignored my need.

When I told you I was broken, you put your hands up and said there was nothing you would do.



So much time has passed and I still wonder why. There are so many questions unanswered. So many opportunities lost.



Something inside me still cries out to mend the past. With my heart broken and bleeding again I call out to you. The pain of being easily cast aside remains on my heart. The feeling of never being important enough to matter has left a vicious hole.



I call out for peace. I call out for relief. I call out for healing.

Yet my cries remain ignored.



You have missed so much. So many things I wanted to share with you. I miss you, my former sister. I miss your smile and laughter. I miss the fun we once shared and the support we offered.



Your absence in my life is deeply felt. I cannot simply forget our bond. Even after I have moved on and taken on new tasks, friendships, and goals… I still feel the void that was once filled by your friendship.



Perhaps if I matter to you, as much as you mattered to me, you would feel the same void.



So I now wonder… I wonder why I would want a friend who would turn on me so easily. My sense over takes my emotions and brings me back to awareness. When I needed you most you made yourself absent. When I needed your support you took it away. What value could you possibly have that would force me to pursue your friendship once again?



Well… In fully thinking things through, I don't want that again.



You are a terrible friend. Really! You were only a friend in fair weather! Who needs that! I certainly don't! I need real friends who are genuinely caring, compassionate, and loyal. I need real friends who want me around because they love me and not simply because I can offer them something they value and then toss me aside as soon as they are done with my talents, knowledge and gifts. I need loyal friends who are her for the long run.



How blind was I?! These things are not you! What an illusion to believe that you were ever a true friend.



Wow! A true friend would have stuck with me through good times and bad. Only a true friend would be this well rounded. Only a true friend would be courteous and honest. A true friend would have taken the time to know me and understand me. A true friend is not concerned about self but rather is concerned about relationships.

Thank you for vacating my life! Lesson learned!

Now I can make the most of my future relationships.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!